People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
where are my eyebrows?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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