it was like his penis was on wheels.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
