If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
