the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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