It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
