I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
