if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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