just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
