omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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