I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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