I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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