I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
