Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
