1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
