I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
