im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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