To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
