Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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