I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
