Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
