he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
