life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
