I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
