so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
