my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
