His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
