i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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