Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
