Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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