Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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