I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
