last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
