I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
