The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
