Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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