She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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