I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
