the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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