i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
being pregnant is like rehab
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
