The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
