U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
