So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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