I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
