If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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