Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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