I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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