I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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