I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
