I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
