Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
