New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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